Spike Nukem: Gems of Steel
by MarathonXII
Summary: Never before has a dragon gone on a quest this noble. Hail to the king, Pinkie. Reviews are kindly accepted.
1. Chapter 1

Spike Nukem: Gems of Steel

Author Note: Hello, everypony! MarathonXII here, with an exciting new look at a Duke Nukem crossover. You've seen the fan art, you've seen the PMV (or if you haven't, check it out on YouTube), but not one brave soul has written a Duke Nukem and MLP: FiM cross before! I shall step to the plate! I SHALL BE THE WRITER! THE PEN WILL BE MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD ONCE AGAIN! *applause*

Anyway, this is the family-friendly version, so you can read this aloud on your comfy chair by the fire. If all fares well, an adult version will be made (slight changes!) All elements are sole property of Hasbro, Lauren Faust, Gearbox Studios, iD software, and were created for private use. Please support all companies in the making of new products. Please. Buy Applejack figurines.

And so another busy day for the purple dragon Spike has ended. Twilight Sparkle requested that Spike should do a list of labors while she's gone to visit Rarity in Canterlot. But will the mischievous dragon complete all the work?

Probably not.

Spike, toting a massive pile of pillows, kicks the door open and gasps for air. He collapses and the pillows fall atop him like an avalanche. He scurries up and

takes huge breaths. Sweating, he rolls off the mountain of pillows he purchased from Quills and Pillows, extra feathers just as Twilight demanded. _Funny,_ he

thought, _who knew extra feathers could be so heavy?_ After his breathing pattern returned to normal, he stood up and wiped the sweat from his face. "Geez,

Twilight, you're killing me!" he said aloud, cracking his back. "I need something to drink." He exhaustedly walked to the icebox, where he saw one of the

most beautiful sights he had seen all day; a juice box. "Only one left! It's a miracle!" he said, swiping the carton out of the icebox. He took a big gulp and

sighed in relief. "I love you, juice box…" he mumbled, and hugged the carton. Suddenly, the juice squirted out of the straw and landed on the floor. Spike

turned in horror, facing his only relief from a hard day's work being absorbed by the floorboards. It seemed to scream, "Spike, why?" as the aroma of fruit

punch wafted through the air. Spike got to his knees, trying to lap up what remained. But it was gone. "No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, throwing

his fists in the air. Enraged, he got up and kicked the icebox, promptly hurting his foot. As he danced around holding his injured foot, he noticed a familiar

reddish glow reflecting in abstract pattern through the now-cracked ice. Could it be? Spike lifted up the ice chunk to discover…*GASP!* There was at least a

dozen juice boxes UNDER the ice! A plethora of flavors, categorized by his favorite to least favorite, were all in there. His eyes lit up with excitement.

"Jackpot!" he exclaimed. He forgot how to breathe for a second or two, but he remembered. "Someone's been holding out on me!" He turned to see

Owlowiscious looking back at him, startling Spike into jumping. "YOU! Did you have anything to do with this?" "Who?" "You! You Owlowiscious! Or…Who or…

whatever!" "Who?" Spike, with knowledge that he's losing this argument, turns his back and scowls. "Ah, never mind!" He turned back to his treasure. "Well,

the question still remains; where do I start?"

Hours afterwards, several emptied juice boxes littered the floor, and Spike is curled on top of the still-messy pile of pillows. He lethargically rolled onto his

back. "Ugh, this was a bad idea," he groaned, weakly lifting a cherry juice box to his mouth, but suddenly deciding against it. "And I still got…all these…

chores to…" He drifted into sleep for a moment, and then snapped back. "Uh…bring Applejack the…repaired barrel…and…" he drifted into sleep again, this

time not truly awakening. Spike was out cold in a flash. But that can't stop him from dreaming.


	2. While You Were Out Cold

He awoke with a startlingly loud explosion, and his view was blurry. A massive colt in official E.P.F uniform extended his hoof to him. "Whew, am I glad you're

alive!" he exclaimed as streams of smoke billowed over their heads. "We got dogs on our six, and they're mean!" Spike sat up to examine his surroundings.

He was no longer in Twilight's home on pillows. He was in a ruined citadel, full of ponies and colts that looked fearfully to the South as a horde of diamond

dogs clawed at their outpost. "Spike, you're gonna need a helmet!" said the colt. Spike slapped away the helmet. "Heroes don't wear helmets." Spike said

dryly. He stood up and turned his head a few degrees, picked up a pair of sunglasses on the ruined cobblestone ground. He placed them over his eyes and

cracked his knuckles. "Ironsights, get everyone away from the outpost. I got a fight to finish." Spike said. The massive pony looked at Spike as if his head

were on fire. "Hundreds of dogs…by YOURSELF?" Ironsights proclaimed. Spike grabbed Ironsights by the ballistic vest and dragged him closer to Spike's

unimpressed face. "I'm the hero, remember?" Not waiting for an answer, Spike pushed off of Ironsights and dashed towards the outpost, hearing words of

encouragement from retreating colts above the pounding of war. "You the man, Spike!" "Make them pay, man!" "Guys, he's going in! We're saved!" Spike

hopped a pile of sandbags, the only thing separating him from the brutes below. Life seemed to slow for a moment, as Spike looked down at much more

diamond dogs than he expected. He smiled, knowing he'd enjoy this. He targeted a dog weakly hammering away at a façade, and lunged toward him, taking

him down instantly. The dogs' attention slipped from the wall and turned to Spike. Through his shades, the dogs looked more furious than ever, and uglier to

boot. Spike cocked his fists, his God-given weapons. "I got a letter from Applejack saying I always win. She's the Element of Honesty." He pounded his fists.

"Who's first?" Twenty dogs raced towards him, and Spike's slow-motion sensation kicked in again. In a flash, Spike kicked a diamond dog in the stomach and

used his own torque to his advantage. Spike flipped the dog in air and punched the dog back at the mobs of dogs coming for him, knocking each one out

with its massive body. "Sorry, fellas, I thought I had him," the dog whimpered. One of the dogs in the pile weakly slapped the dog. "You IDIOT! You were

supposed to get behind him!" Spike turned in time to see two more dogs lunging for him. Spike got to his knees and doubled over, and saw the dogs fly over

him and crash into the pile of wounded dogs. "General, should we run?" a dog suggested. The General looked at him with relief. "Golly I was hoping you'd

say that! I mean, uh…dogs! Evasive maneuver number twelve! Code Spike!" In a wild rush, all the diamond dogs scurried away from the outpost over the

bridge that separated the two lands. All but the pile of wounded dogs, that is. Spike swaggered over to the stack of dogs. Spike pulled out an orange gem,

23-karot. "You want of these?" he genuinely asked. One of the conscious dogs weakly nodded and smiled. Spike broke the gem over its head. "In your

sweet dreams, cupcake." Loud applause erupted from the outpost. The E.D.F rushed out to lift him up and they began to sing. "For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fell-oooooooow! 'cause nobody can beat Spike!" They dropped off Spike at Ironsights feet. "Fantastic work as

usual, kid! And you're certain you don't want to join the Equestrian Defense Force?" Spike shook his head. "Well, I guess the first time I asked was your final

answer." Ironsights chuckled, but his laughter was ruined by an E.D.F recon colt with a worried expression. "Commander Ironsights, sir! The diamond dogs

have constructed a giant robot…I don't know what they plan to do with it, but it's big. We're talking mountain big!" Ironsights was thrown off by the last

comment. "Can your reconnaissance buddy Vector-Bravo confirm this, Foxtrot?" "He's there now, commander sir! He still can't believe it!" Ironsights and

Foxtrot turned to speak with their hero. "Spike, does this sound like something you can do?" Spike scoffed at the idea. "Too easy." An E.D.F officer behind

him laughed. "Great to know you're with us, kid!" Ironsights exclaimed. Foxtrot retrieved a notepad from his vest pocket. "Oh, and one note here. They have

Spike's girlfriend, Rarity." Spike's egotistical demeanor was quickly deflated. Ironsights looked at the ground and lightly kicked the pebbles under him. "Aw,

that's terrible." He chortled, "Nothing this guy can't fix! Right, Spike? Spike?" But it was too late. Spike was dashing towards the bridge infuriated. "Get back

here, you jerks!" he yelled to the mob of diamond dogs still on the run.


	3. And I'm All Out of Gems

Spike's feet were aching, but the swift pitter-patter of his footsteps on the dirt path leading to the dogs was just the same tempo as his enraged heartbeat.

_No one, NO ONE, takes my girlfriend and expects me to do nothing!_ Spike thought. Spike has finally gotten close enough to the retreating diamond dogs.

"What's up, dog?" Spike grunted. A dog turned in terror. "He's getting closer, guys! High tail it! Quick!" Spike leapt onto the dog's shoulders, and spun the

dog around. As the dog kept running in the opposite direction, Spike hopped from dog to dog like rocks in a river. The general discovered Spike getting closer

and closer, and looking madder than ever. "Dogs! Split into two groups! One going to T'shuorgah, the other to the project! Go, go, go!" Spike found himself

caught between two splitting lines. He leapt to a dog going left and grabbed onto his head. "I can't see! I can't see!" cried the diamond dog. "Trust me, you

won't want to see this!" Spike socked him in the snout, causing the dog to whimper and fall behind. Spike hopped onto the shoulders of a different diamond

dog that looked panicked, but suddenly smirked and giggled nefariously. Spike grabbed the dog by the neck and raised his fist, but the dog wouldn't stop

cackling. He lowered his fists and stood on top of the diamond dog's head. "All right, you dumb mutts! This had better be where that pony is, or you're going

to make me angry. What I did to your buddies outside of Ponyville? I was as happy as the day is long. So this had be-." Spike's threat was cut short when

the low entrance of a dark cave knocked him off the diamond dog's shoulders. His eyes were instantly closed and they just wouldn't open. He knew he was

dead and waiting judgment. "Great," Spike muttered "I can't save Rarity if I'm dead. Huh, I wonder if angels are hot." A vision of Rarity, faded by memory,

appeared before Spike. "Spikey-wikey. Death cannot stop you. You're Spike Nukem, and you've got gems of steel!" She kissed Spike. Suddenly, the dark

abyss began to brighten. "You can do it Spike. Save me, save meeeeeee…" Her voice faded, and the apparition was gone. Spike's heartbeat became audible,

growing in volume and tempo over time. "You know I will, babe." Spike said. The abyss was now supernova white. The heartbeat was deafening. Spike let

out a war cry, which was made staccato by the cheers of the diamond dogs that gathered in the arena-like cave. All of Spike's senses came back, and he

could smell brimstone. "What the-? Where am I? Oh, this better not be one of those dreams where I'm naked again." He looked down. Still fully clothed in his

bright red vest, gloves with the noteworthy nuclear hazard symbols, and his styling shades, Spike breathed a sigh of relief. But it would not last long for our

hero. "Release T'Shuorgah!" yelled the general diamond dog. Spike turned to see a crude drawbridge opening to reveal a menacing lizard behemoth. The

crowd roared as the three-story tall monster crawled out of the dungeon. Gilded with steel scales, the beast snorted at Spike and stared at it with

smoldering eyes. Spike's Napoleon Complex got the best of him, and he pumped himself with ego. "Alright, you tin iguana! Come get your daily dose of

Nukem!" The beast roared, revealing razor-sharp teeth and sending debris flying towards Spike. He braced himself, but the debris never touched him. Spike

chuckled, "You're gonna need more than a little sand in my eyes to beat me! Now put up your dukes and I'll put up mine." Spike shadowboxed for five

seconds, confusing everyone in the arena stands. They quieted. "Is…is he winning?" a dog whispered. The beast blinked twice, and then grabbed Spike with

his giant talons. The crowd was abuzz again. Spike squirmed in the beast's hand. "Hey, let me go you big dumb lizard! Spike Nukem is no snack food, you got

that?" That didn't stop the beast. The T'shuorgah pelted Spike into his mouth. Spike saw the uvula in the back of the throat, dangling. It was his only chance.

He grabbed the uvula, nearly slipping, and held on tight. The beast gagged. Spike smirked, knowing what had to happen. He swung the uvula back and

forth, gaining momentum with each sway. The monster couldn't take it anymore and opened its mouth to gag. Spike seized the window of opportunity and

jumped out the opening, landing harshly on the ground. The adrenaline from the fall fueled his next move. He stood up and ran to the left leg of the wicked

beast. He climbed its back, using the steel plates like ladder rungs. A diamond from the crowd shrieked "Look out!" The beast became aware of the situation

and tried to find Spike underneath the plates, painfully ripping each one off. Spike got to the top of the monster's head and spread his fists over the skull.

The crowd, horrified, gave small head shakes and hand waves as if to say "No, please. Don't do that, no. No!" Spike leered, and brought his two fists into

the sides of the mighty fiend's temple. Being struck caused the beast to faint with a whimper. Spike slid down the carcass, and stood on the floor, dirty and

restless. The diamond dogs were stunned. "THAT'S what happens when I'm angry." Spike said, cracking his knuckles. "So, who wants to tell me what I need

to know?"


End file.
